Maybe one day I’ll have something positive to post on here, but that day is not today. As you all know, I was anxiously awaiting my return to physical therapy. It did not go well, however. I had high hopes at the beginning when my therapist was discussing things with me and then he tried something new called ASTYM on the scar over my Achilles tendon. It was painful, but now that it’s calmed down, I think it really helped. The bad thing is, though, that I’m apparently not doing any more sessions. He told me that he didn’t know what else to do for me because I should be farther along in my recovery by now. He wants me to talk to him after I see my doctor next week and tell him what the doctor says, and that if the doctor had any suggestions then he would try them.

I feel like my therapist is giving up on me. Whether that’s true or not, I have no way of knowing, of course, but that’s what it feels like. I don’t know why he did the ASTYM for the first time today if he wasn’t planning for me to come back. If I’m not where I should be, then I want him to help me get there. I just don’t see things getting better working at home after how the past month of that went. It’s not enough. At least when I was regularly attending physical therapy sessions, I felt like I was making progress. I don’t feel like I got anywhere working alone. Just because I can do some stretches, squats, and lunges at home, doesn’t mean everything is going fine. I wanted to go back to that clinic because things went well when I had therapy there before, but now I just don’t understand what’s happening. I just want help getting back to normal function. Even just one guided session every week would be fine with me where my therapist could keep working on my scar tissue and give me more challenging things to do. Most importantly, I need help preventing some of the new issues I’ve had from getting worse. I’m tired of the hip pain, and afraid of what’s going to happen to my left Achilles tendon if I can’t get the right side in shape.

One day I might look back at this difficulty as just a small bump in the road, but right now it might as well be a huge wall. I was crying as soon as I got in the car after my appointment today, and spent most of the morning tearing up every time I thought of it. All of the goals I set for my recovery are slipping farther and farther away and seem so out of reach right now. I’m not signing up for any bike events when I can only ride a third of the distance I would need to (and that’s on a good day). I wanted to run a 5k by the end of summer, but honestly I’d be happy with a mile, or even 100 feet at this point. And tennis… I miss tennis so much, but how can I play tennis if I can’t run? I also planned to sign up for martial arts (probably aikido) this fall/winter, but I can’t do that if I can’t get my foot moving right or I’d just injure it more. I need to get back to what I enjoy, and I need the ability to do whatever activities I want to do.

All I can do right now is just wait for my appointment with my surgeon on Monday and report back to my physical therapist and cross my fingers that he’ll try something new. I really don’t want to go to a different clinic, but it might come down to that. I’m not living the next 50 years of my life feeling the way I feel now. I refuse to accept that this is the best I can hope for. Just because I seem to have hit a plateau doesn’t mean it won’t get better. I need someone fighting in my corner.