Fear is very controlling. It is something I’ve let stand in my way more times than I care to admit. I’ve been paralyzed because of fear for insignificant things, like talking to someone I don’t know, and for bigger things, like deciding to change careers. Most recently, I conquered one of my fears related to healthcare– the dreaded Pap smear. When I say fear, I mean it. I put it off for over a decade for reasons I won’t get into because it’s hard to think about, but suffice it to say, I should have done this a loooong time ago.

My primary care doctor (Dr. S) has been trying to get me to do the test since I started seeing him a year and a half ago. He’s been really patient with me and knew my reluctance at letting someone do one again. He spent a lot of time talking to me about it at my very first appointment with him in January of last year, and again this past February when I went for my yearly physical and asthma check-in. He never made me feel bad about it and I came close to letting him do the test in February, but chickened out at the last minute. I’ve had other doctors get really annoyed with me that I haven’t had a proper exam in such a long time and one told me to “just get over it already”. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that a response like that was never going to get me to go get it done. Dr. S took the time to discuss the importance of it and even told me a personal story about one of his attendings when he was in residency. He told me just to let him know when I was ready if I wanted to do it in his office, or that I could find a gynecologist. He suggested that it might be easier to see a female doctor for that part of my care. He never pressured me to do something I was clearly uncomfortable with. Usually I don’t care about gender, but since I’ve always somehow had male primary care doctors as an adult, I figured it was worth thinking about finding a specialist who was female. I spent a lot of time researching doctors, and something that made it easier was that my local healthcare system has short videos of the doctors practicing with them answering questions about care philosophy and why they chose the specialty they did. I watched a couple of them, but as soon as I saw the video for the doctor I chose (Dr. L), I knew she was going to be a good fit. I like that she spoke about being proactive and never shying away from asking questions, and her personality seemed so bright and positive. She also has a lot of good patient reviews, which I don’t put a lot of stock in, but the fact that people took time to write glowing reviews of her does mean something.

Now that I had decided on a doctor, the time came to actually call and make an appointment. I was so nervous just calling the office’s phone number that my heart was racing and I could hear the beating in my ears. My hand was shaking a little as I put the phone to my ear and the receptionist answered. All this happened in February, and the first opening she had was five months later in early July. She only has a certain number of new patient appointments, I believe it was just two days a week, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. I made the appointment and while I was actually hoping to get something sooner so I didn’t have to sit around and think about it for five months, I think it worked out having it be a way into the future. I spent a lot of time trying to calm the anxiety that crept up every time I thought about the appointment, and I’ll be honest– I actually thought about cancelling, but I resolved to conquer this one way or another.

My appointment was yesterday, and while I was extremely nervous sitting in the waiting area, my nerves calmed down quite a bit for the appointment. I had to answer the questions with the medical assistant first, like any other appointment, and do weight and blood pressure measurements, and then I was shown to an exam room. Dr. L came to talk to me before I had to get changed into a gown, which was nice because it gave us a short chance to get to know one another in what felt like more of a “normal” doctor’s office setting. I felt really comfortable with her from the moment she walked in the room, which is a great relief, because I feel like I could ask her anything without being made to feel strange about it. After we chatted for a few minutes, she left while I changed and came back in a few minutes later. Before each step of the appointment, she told me what she was going to do so I wouldn’t be surprised, and it calmed me down quite a bit. The exam part was easy, but the Pap was a little painful, which is to be expected. It wasn’t horrible or anything, but it did surprise me. After all that was done and I was sitting back up, she gave me a chance to ask questions. She wanted to make sure I had any information I wanted before she left, which was nice.

All in all, everything seemed a lot more daunting in my mind than it actually was in person. It feels great to have conquered that fear. My biggest health goal this year was to get caught up again on my Pap, so I’m really glad I was able to meet my goal. My primary care doctor played a big role in persuading me just by being patient with me and having a discussion with me like I was actually a person and not just part of his job. I probably wouldn’t have done it otherwise. I’m going to make sure to thank him for that next time I have an appointment with him. It’s nice to now have two doctors that I feel comfortable talking with should any issues come up. I’m not exactly thrilled that I need to do this every year, but I am glad to be taking a proactive approach to my health, so in a way, I guess I’m ready. I’m ready to stop letting fear hold me back from things that are important. Fear is a formidable foe.