Learning to Run

On By LeraIn Cycling, LifeLeave a comment

Today was a milestone day for me: I got to run! My physical therapist only cleared me to start with 100 yards a couple of times per week, and at a pace barely faster than a walk, but it’s better than nothing! He said once I know how my Achilles tendon responds, he’ll let me do more. I’ve been doing ASTYM for the last 6 weeks or so, and it’s really been working well. I have more movement in my tendon now, still not 100% but definitely better than where it was, and I can feel my calf muscles contracting sometimes instead of me just kind of dragging my leg along with me. I’m off from physical therapy until September 5th to see how things go and to check in with my surgeon about how everything is progressing and to address the weird swelling on the outside of my ankle that has my PT baffled. He said it’s got the characteristics of an ankle sprain but I didn’t do anything to it and it’s been like that all year. I’m hoping I don’t have some other issue; that’s the last thing I need. I really couldn’t have asked to be working with a better clinic. I’m so glad they didn’t give up on me and were willing to keep trying new things until something worked. I made them a gift for the clinic with the only skill I have: Japanese. I wrote my favorite proverb that motivates me through the hard days, and my hope is that it inspires other patients there, too. Here’s what it looked like:

Other than trying my hardest at therapy, I’ve been trying to get out biking. I’ve found that about once a week I can do an hour long ride, but the other days are shorter. When my physical therapist asks me every week how much I’ve been out, I usually tell him, “Not as much as I want”. He laughs at me for always saying that, but it’s true. Compared to last year, I’m doing about half so far. A couple of weeks I’ve gotten as high as 70 miles, but most weeks hover at 45-50 miles. I know one day I’ll get there again. I did make a new friend while riding: a cute little frog that didn’t want to leave my bike.

It’s been a long process, and I seem to be taking longer to recover than most people with the type of surgery I’ve had, but I’m at least moving forward, and slow progress is better than no progress. Now I’m off to bed, but I’ll leave you with a parting gift: How I’m sure I looked when I ran for the first time in a year. Bonus points if you know what this is from!

A Spark of Hope

On By LeraIn Cycling, Life, SurgeryLeave a comment

It’s been a couple of weeks since I started ASTYM, and it really seems to be helping. My pain at work is unchanged, but at least it doesn’t hurt as much to bike as it did before. I think work is the single biggest thing holding back my recovery, to the point where I’m going to have to start looking for a less strenuous job. Every time I start to feel better on my days off, the pain always comes back the next time I work. I can’t handle that many hours on my feet without breaks anymore. I’m so tired of living in pain every day and limping around the house when I get home.

For the first time in a long time, I feel like things are looking up. I started working on some new exercises at physical therapy which should help me to run and jump again someday. It’s amazing how hard it is to jump! My left leg does all the work, but I’m hoping the right one will step in eventually and remember how to do it. I think it probably needs a little more strength first, but I’ve been diligently doing everything at home. I’m probably one of the few people who actually likes to do the home program based on what I’ve heard other people say. I like putting on some music really loud (usually country or jpop) and working on fixing my body. It’s a half hour of my time well spent every day. On my days off work, I’ll do the program a second time before bed. If it will get me walking normally again, then running, then playing tennis, how could I not enjoy doing my homework? I’ve dealt with this injury for over two years, and while I had hoped recovering from surgery would be a little faster than it’s been, at least I’m feeling like I’m making some progress again.

My other concern as of late is that I think I found out what’s been wrong with the outside of my right ankle: sinus tarsi syndrome. I have to discuss it with a doctor, but all the symptoms match: pain on the outside of the ankle, swelling, trouble walking on uneven surfaces, degenerative changes at the subtalar joint and fluid collection (evidenced on my MRI from last summer), pain turning my foot inward… I’m not dumb enough to diagnose myself on the internet, but reputable sources say it’s often misdiagnosed, so it’s worth asking about so I can get started treating it if I do have it.. It also can weaken the Achilles tendon, which might account for some of my trouble healing. Here’s a link to the site I found with extensive information about it: Physiopedia: Sinus Tarsi Syndrome. It’d be nice to know for sure what the problem is because it’s holding me back as much as my Achilles tendon is, if not more.

Well, that’s all I have for tonight. I don’t have physical therapy this coming week because my therapist is out of the office and the other one doesn’t do ASTYM, but I’ll be picking back up again on the 29 of this month. Until next time, stay well!

A Wild Ride

On By LeraIn Cycling, LifeLeave a comment

This past week has been a roller coaster of emotion. I had my follow-up appointment with my surgeon yesterday, and I really don’t know what to think. I told him I was concerned how it was healing, and he said the same things he said last time: that this kind of recovery takes up to a whole year to be 100% better and to just be patient. He didn’t seem concerned about it at all, which I know I should take for a good sign, but that would be so much easier to do if I didn’t feel like my body was falling apart. I called my physical therapist after the appointment to discuss the appointment like he asked me to do, and he agreed to let me try a full course of ASTYM, which is 6-10 treatments, so I’ll be doing that until mid-August. I finally feel like I might have some hope back to reach my goals, which is a feeling I haven’t had in about two months. I had one of my best cycling weeks last week, which is still less than half of what I should be able to do, but it was about 20 miles more than the week before. I actually went out 5 days last week instead of just 3, and that was after only one ASYTM session! I’m hoping that with a full course of it, I can be back out a lot more. If I can break 100 miles on a work week, I’ll be thrilled, but right now I’d be happy with 75. I’d be really excited to get tennis back this year, but I know better than to push too hard too soon.

I want to take a minute to recognize my amazing physical therapy clinic. I’m not naming them to protect my privacy here, but I really would be lost without them. They’ve been so wonderful to work with, and they’re cutting me a special break to help get me back to where I need to be. I didn’t expect any special treatment, but I’m so much more grateful than I can ever express in words. Just having the chance to try something else means so much to me, because I’m not giving up until I can say I’ve tried everything.

Discouraged

On By LeraIn Life, SurgeryLeave a comment

Maybe one day I’ll have something positive to post on here, but that day is not today. As you all know, I was anxiously awaiting my return to physical therapy. It did not go well, however. I had high hopes at the beginning when my therapist was discussing things with me and then he tried something new called ASTYM on the scar over my Achilles tendon. It was painful, but now that it’s calmed down, I think it really helped. The bad thing is, though, that I’m apparently not doing any more sessions. He told me that he didn’t know what else to do for me because I should be farther along in my recovery by now. He wants me to talk to him after I see my doctor next week and tell him what the doctor says, and that if the doctor had any suggestions then he would try them.

I feel like my therapist is giving up on me. Whether that’s true or not, I have no way of knowing, of course, but that’s what it feels like. I don’t know why he did the ASTYM for the first time today if he wasn’t planning for me to come back. If I’m not where I should be, then I want him to help me get there. I just don’t see things getting better working at home after how the past month of that went. It’s not enough. At least when I was regularly attending physical therapy sessions, I felt like I was making progress. I don’t feel like I got anywhere working alone. Just because I can do some stretches, squats, and lunges at home, doesn’t mean everything is going fine. I wanted to go back to that clinic because things went well when I had therapy there before, but now I just don’t understand what’s happening. I just want help getting back to normal function. Even just one guided session every week would be fine with me where my therapist could keep working on my scar tissue and give me more challenging things to do. Most importantly, I need help preventing some of the new issues I’ve had from getting worse. I’m tired of the hip pain, and afraid of what’s going to happen to my left Achilles tendon if I can’t get the right side in shape.

One day I might look back at this difficulty as just a small bump in the road, but right now it might as well be a huge wall. I was crying as soon as I got in the car after my appointment today, and spent most of the morning tearing up every time I thought of it. All of the goals I set for my recovery are slipping farther and farther away and seem so out of reach right now. I’m not signing up for any bike events when I can only ride a third of the distance I would need to (and that’s on a good day). I wanted to run a 5k by the end of summer, but honestly I’d be happy with a mile, or even 100 feet at this point. And tennis… I miss tennis so much, but how can I play tennis if I can’t run? I also planned to sign up for martial arts (probably aikido) this fall/winter, but I can’t do that if I can’t get my foot moving right or I’d just injure it more. I need to get back to what I enjoy, and I need the ability to do whatever activities I want to do.

All I can do right now is just wait for my appointment with my surgeon on Monday and report back to my physical therapist and cross my fingers that he’ll try something new. I really don’t want to go to a different clinic, but it might come down to that. I’m not living the next 50 years of my life feeling the way I feel now. I refuse to accept that this is the best I can hope for. Just because I seem to have hit a plateau doesn’t mean it won’t get better. I need someone fighting in my corner.

In Need of Assistance

On By LeraIn Life, SurgeryLeave a comment

It’s been a little over two weeks since my last physical therapy appointment. I wish I could say things were going well, but they aren’t. I’ve been having more pain and swelling than I had been before, and I’m feeling very frustrated and discouraged. I’ve been following my physical therapists advice, and I’ve even switched to shorter bike rides more frequently as opposed to longer ones less frequently. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m really hoping my therapist will have me attending appointments again. Something I was doing there definitely made me feel better, but I don’t know what. I think I still need help. I need to be able to actually get my calf muscles to stretch, because right now the pain at the base of my heel won’t let me get a good stretch to the muscles. I also can’t get the muscle to engage when I’m walking. If I can get that going, I think that will be the turning point. I’m just so worried that I’m going to be discharged from formal therapy sessions, and if that happens, I don’t know if I’ll ever get better. My body is getting tired of compensating for my continued issues. My left Achilles tendon is starting to get that familiar ache at the base off and on for the last three weeks, and my left hip has been bothering me since I was still wearing the boot full time. It’s going to be a long 9 days until I go back to see my therapist, and I’m praying that he can help me. I want to get back to normal!

Physical Therapy Hiatus

On By LeraIn Life, SurgeryLeave a comment

As the title gives away, I’m taking a break from physical therapy; today was my last appointment until the beginning of July. I worked with my usual therapist today and that was his decision. He isn’t sure that continuing to attend will make a difference when I can do a lot of the stuff at home. He told me that most people are talking about running by 4-5 months after surgery, and I can’t even walk properly yet at 6 months. I don’t have a severe limp, but enough that it’s noticeable to strangers because they ask me on a regular basis what I did to myself. I get so much pain and stiffness pushing off my right foot that I can’t move it correctly. At one point my therapist was talking about me coming once a week for a formal session and doing a maintenance program where I could come in and use the equipment one or two other days a week. I don’t understand why we’re going from twice a week to nothing when I can’t do the harder variations of the exercises he’s given me. I need help strengthening my muscles and getting them to stretch better. I don’t think doing the same things for the next month is going to give me what I need. I need someone to guide me and tell me when I can challenge myself and when I should do less.

I feel like everyone I was counting on to help me with my recovery is giving up on me. My doctor always just tells me to give things time to heal when I bring up a concern, and now I don’t have physical therapy to help me unless my therapist decides to have me continue when I go back in a month. Maybe my expectations were too high, but I don’t think it’s asking so much to be able to get normal function back. I assumed I’d be doing physical therapy until I could walk right again, and just beginning to run. I fully understand that I don’t need to attend throughout my whole recovery, but I want my daily life to be easier than it is now.

A Post in Which I Complain

On By LeraIn Life, SurgeryLeave a comment

I don’t have any major reason for writing tonight except that I just wanted to get some thoughts out. I’m still diligently attending physical therapy twice a week and working on some stuff at home. There’s a new therapist that just started there about two weeks ago and I’ve worked with him twice. He’s given me some new things to work on, which I like. He’s a nice guy, maybe too nice. When he does my manual therapy, he’s way too gentle. I don’t know if that’s just how he learned to do it or if he’s afraid to hurt me by being more aggressive, but that’s the only issue I have with him. Otherwise, he’s great. I’m probably just used to how aggressive my usual physical therapist is when he works on my foot/leg, which is usually pretty painful, but it does feel better afterward.

Usually I like going to physical therapy because I want to push myself to heal, but today I couldn’t wait to leave. My normal physical therapist wasn’t there, and the new one was working with a different patient today, so I got stuck with the same float therapist from about two months ago. I say “got stuck with” because I wouldn’t have rather cancelled my session today than to have worked with her. Last time she told me I “really shouldn’t be limping because it’s a bad habit”, like it’s my fault when my tendon gets sore and inflamed it doesn’t want to move right. Today’s session went no better. She seemed almost surprised I was still there and told me that if I wasn’t making progress I should just quit going so I don’t abuse the sessions… WHAT THE HECK?? I don’t understand how she’s qualified to make any statements about the course of my treatment when she’s worked with me exactly twice and knows nothing about my case. I’ve made progress, it’s just been on the slow side. That’s hardly a reason to quit. My surgeon told me to expect six to twelve months of physical therapy, so why she’s saying that to me after four months, and really only almost three since I couldn’t do much when I was still in the boot at the beginning, I just don’t understand. She also talks to me like I’m four years old, asking me if I “always get raised scars when I get boo-boos”. I was so annoyed by the time I left there that I wish I would have just cancelled the appointment and made it for tomorrow instead.

I’m so glad I’m working with my normal therapist on Thursday, the one who I’ve been with since the beginning, even before my surgery, so at least I know my next session won’t be a waste of my time. I’m definitely going to tell him about today’s therapist telling me to quit. I refuse to believe that my foot is as good as it’s going to get, and he’s not going to tell me I’m done yet. We talked about the future a few weeks ago and moving down to once a week of official treatment and a maintenance program where I come use the equipment on my own once my insurance benefits run out. I absolutely won’t settle for only partial healing and a life of limping and pain when I walk.

Random Thoughts

On By LeraIn LifeLeave a comment

I don’t have any real reason to be writing today other than just wanting to get some thoughts out of my head. I’ve been feeling kind of “blah” lately; there’s no one reason, but things just kind of add up after a while.

My recovery is moving along, albeit more slowly than I was hoping. I’m grateful that I’m at least making some progress, but I’m really frustrated at the same time. Physical therapy has been going fine, but I feel like I need to be challenged more. I finally got something new to work on yesterday after a couple of weeks of doing the same things every session. He seems to be trying to get me ready to just do stuff alone at home, and as thrilled as I would be for that to happen, I’m not ready for it. He told me that I’m back to daily activities because I worked one week full time, but just because I did it, doesn’t mean it went well or that I wasn’t in excruciating pain every day. I can’t just call off work because I’m in pain, and especially when my boss is out of town like he has been. Simple things are still so hard. I can’t walk without a limp because I can’t push off on my right foot and because of the pain, and I can’t go up and down the stairs easily for the same reason. I have no strength in my right lower leg, and it hurts even if I walk too fast or bend my foot too far. I’m even getting pain when I’m riding my bike, and that never even happened before my surgery. I can’t even begin to think about running or playing tennis when the second I step out of bed, I hurt. So like I said, I’d be thrilled to be at the point of being done with therapy, but I don’t feel like I’m there if I can’t even walk properly. I already feel like my doctor isn’t really listening to me, and for the first time, I felt like my physical therapist wasn’t either. I don’t mind committing the time or money to physical therapy as long as I’m still getting benefits from it. I don’t want to be abandoned part way through my recovery just because I can do some exercises at home. I need to be challenged every week so I can get better faster. I’m still so stiff that I can’t even feel a stretch in my calf muscles because all the pain and swelling and stiffness at the heel keep me from being able to get the stretch up the rest of my leg.

It’s not just the recovery that is making me feel the way I have been. I just thought things would different than they are now. I lost almost 70 pounds, and I’m still overweight, but things were supposed to get easier afterward. Instead I’ve dealt with my Achilles tendinosis for about two years. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t have even bothered, but then I wouldn’t have discovered my love of biking. I’ve also been trying to find a new job, one that pays more and is more physically easy on my body, but I haven’t had any luck yet. And if all that wasn’t enough, I’ve just felt really lonely. I don’t mind doing things alone, but sometimes it would be nice to be able to do things with some friends. There’s only one person who regularly makes time for us to hang out together, and I’m so grateful to at least have her. Most of my other friends barely respond to a text or IM, and when they do it’s like playing twenty questions to carry on a conversation. I feel like everyone’s moving on with their lives and I’m stuck where I am. I was always told how much potential I had because I made high grades and worked hard, but that’s sometimes not enough after school. I don’t need a prestigious job or a lot of money, but I do want to do something I enjoy. I’m good at my current job, but it’s not the least bit fulfilling and I’m tired of having worked 99% of weekends and holidays for the last five years. I’m just craving some changes, I suppose.

I didn’t mean for this to turn into complaining, but I’m just a normal person. I’m not perfect, and I don’t try to pretend to be. I know I’m not the only one that feels this way, and it will go away eventually. Just being able to get these thoughts out of my head is already helping. I know almost no one reads this blog, and that’s okay. It’s here to be of help to anyone who might come across it and for me to remember everything about my surgery and recovery experience, and maybe even beyond. So, until next time, take care!

5 Months Later

On By LeraIn Life, SurgeryLeave a comment

It’s been five months since my surgery. It really doesn’t seem like it was that long ago. I think I say that every time I reach a milestone, but it’s true. Looking back, time just slips away so swiftly, but day by day it seems stagnant sometimes. I’m happy that I’ve made progress in my recovery, but it’s been a lot slower than I was expecting.

I had my follow up appointment with my surgeon today. I was hoping to get some answers to some of the issues I wrote about last time, but all he said was that they were all related to the surgery and should get better in time. He didn’t look at my foot very closely; he just tested the strength by having me push my foot against his hand and that was it. I can see how the heel problem would be related, and it’s trying to get better now that I wear shoes with a gel heel cup in them all the time, even around the house. I still can’t walk barefoot without feeling like I’m walking directly on my heel bone. The issue with the swelling over the outside ankle bone, however, was giving me trouble before my surgery, so I’m not even sure it’s related. All I know is that after working on it all day, it’s swollen and painful and holding me back from being able to move my foot normally.

I’m also pretty sure there’s something going on inside my ankle in one of the joints. I still can’t walk properly and I limp if I’m walking for too long. My limp was awful at work last night. At physical therapy yesterday, my therapist pulled on my ankle and got some good pops out of it, so hopefully it will stay loose for at least a little while. I’m so tired of being in pain. I didn’t expect an easy recovery; I knew it would have its challenges, but I didn’t think it would be quite so bad. I definitely didn’t expect to be having new problems. Even my physical therapist was perplexed when he was doing my reevaluation yesterday. I’m going to ask him if he can talk to the doctor about my case and see if there are solutions they can come up with. I guess maybe it might have been advantageous to have him sit in on my appointment. If I’m still doing physical therapy in two months when I see my surgeon again, I might have him do that if these issues persist.

Despite all the frustrations I’m having, I’ve at least been able to bike. It’s been painful at times and I’m trying not to push myself too hard, but being on my bike is my happy place. I want to be outside as much as I possibly can be. I’m on track to have my highest mileage this week since I’ve been recovering, so hopefully I’ll hit it. Another positive thing is that I’ve worked a week without my walking boot. I’m not sure my foot is all the way ready yet, but I’m going to keep trying as long as I can tolerate it. I’m working three hours longer than usual tomorrow, so I’m expecting a little difficulty, but I’m off Sunday so I can recover and get it feeling better.

One day I might be able to go for a walk and actually enjoy it. There are so many metroparks close by that I can’t really enjoy. It’s hard to want to hike wooded trails when I’m having a hard time with flat surfaces, let alone uneven ones. I still can’t even go up and down the stairs properly, so I’m ready for the day I can do something that simple again. Being able to attempt a 5k or play tennis again feels so far away right right now. My surgeon told me that when I can do a single leg calf raise on my right side, it would be fully healed, and that usually happens 6-9 months after surgery. Here’s hoping that I’ll get there soon, but I have a feeling it’s going to be on the later end of that spectrum.

Lovely New Issues

On By LeraIn Life, SurgeryLeave a comment

Excuse the sarcasm of the title. What I am writing about today is far from lovely. I’ve been in pain pretty much all the time walking, some of it due to my Achilles tendon still recovering, but some new things have come up. I’ve already written about the plantar fibroma I mysteriously acquired, and trust me, I wish that was all.

Problem number two: I’ve had problems with swelling and pain on the outside of my ankle. You know how the ankle bone sticks out on the outside? Well, I have so much swelling there that it blends right in with the rest of my right leg and foot. It’s not normal swelling, though– it’s harder than you would expect, but still squishy. So far I don’t have an answer to what that is. I’m hoping that my surgeon will be able to help me out with it when I go back to see him in two weeks.

Problem number 3: I apparently now have fat pad atrophy in my heel. I’ve been trying to do some research about it, and I guess some unlucky people get it after prolonged non weight bearing (greater than six weeks), and I was on crutches for ten weeks. From what I’ve been able to read about it, it should toughen back up again after walking on it for a few weeks, but mine doesn’t seem to want to. I don’t know if it’s just going to take longer than average, or if it will stay that way. My physical therapist told me “hopefully” it will get better eventually, so I’m trying to be patient. All I know is that when I stand, my right heel squishes out to the side and the back and my left heel doesn’t. I have gel heel cups in my shoes to try to alleviate some of the pain. I can definitely feel my heel bone when I walk barefoot, and it’s really uncomfortable. I think that’s probably the biggest source of my pain as of late. At my last physical therapy session, my therapist tried to tape my heel so that all the fat is pushed back to directly underneath it. It seemed to help some, and I think it’s worth trying one more time to see for sure if it’s a viable option in the short term. Here’s what it looked like. you can even see the fibroma in the middle of my foot in the picture.

I’m trying not to get discouraged, but it is rather frustrating. I was hoping to have most of the pain behind me. I knew it was going to be a slow process, but if I could just walk without pain for more than a quarter of a mile, I’d be thrilled. I’d be even more thrilled if I could work a whole shift without feeling the need to sit and rest it every hour. I almost never get breaks at work, so having to just power through all that pain probably isn’t helping matters. I don’t know what I’m going to do when my boss goes on vacation in a couple of weeks because we’re still short a member of management, which means if he doesn’t get coverage from outside of my workplace for a couple days a week, I’m in big trouble. I absolutely cannot be working fourteen days straight with no days off when I’m barely managing my four days a week as it is. I worked five days last week and it almost killed me. I could probably manage full time hours while he’s gone and see how it goes again, but to be expected to work a 55 hour week when 30 is difficult is unreasonable. I’m going to have to get a note from my surgeon to help back me up if he’s going to give me a hard time about it. I would love the overtime money to help with the costs of physical therapy, but I can’t set my recovery back. I’m really pretty frustrated my boss hasn’t hired someone in the six weeks since the last full time assistant manager transferred. I’m doing my best, but I’m genuinely struggling. I want to be able to do more, but I still have so many physical limitations.