Depression is a Thief

On By LeraIn LifeLeave a comment

I’ve been thinking a lot about the past lately. Recently I was asked why I no longer work at the hospital by someone in my running group. I gave the standard “it’s a long story” because it wasn’t something I wanted to talk about in that moment. I didn’t want to deal with the feelings of loss and despair that would inevitably creep up. I still don’t know that I want to talk about it in person with anyone, but I want to get my thoughts out and figured I might as well do it this way.

As the title alludes, I struggle with depression. It needs to be said that I wasn’t diagnosed by a doctor (I’d feel too weird talking about it face to face), but I have definitely fit the criteria in the past. It’s not constant, and it’s only been really bad a few times in the last 8 years, but it’s something that’s always in the back of my mind. I can sometimes feel it try to sneak into my life and overtake me, but I’ve learned some good coping mechanisms and can generally keep it from getting too bad or carrying on for too long. I find that I feel it the most when I’m in situations where I feel “stuck”, like what’s happening now. I don’t talk about this with anyone, because the two people I chose to trust enough at the beginning to talk to about it told me to “quit being a drama queen” and that “it couldn’t be that bad.” I had no desire to talk to anyone else about it after that, even though I probably would have found some support from someone. I just didn’t want to take the risk of being brushed off again.

It started 8 years ago when I was working as a respiratory therapist. I got a job at the hospital I most wanted to work at, got along well with my coworkers, and was knowledgeable about my field. Everything was fine throughout 2011 and into the first half of 2012, but I felt a change come over me. Nothing I was doing was different, but this horrible feeling of unease and hopelessness started following me around like a shadow. I’m a highly sensitive person as it is, and working with the most critically ill patients in the hospital was difficult. Yes, it was rewarding when they recovered, but it was absolutely heartbreaking when they didn’t. Seeing good people in bad situations they didn’t deserve was really difficult. A teenage boy with a head injury from skateboarding he would never recover from, a baby that wasn’t expected to survive the night, and a young woman with an overwhelming infection that put her on a ventilator for months and who ended up with cognitive deficits… Those are just a few of the cases I can still vividly remember. Being around that kind of heartache every day haunted me. I had a hard time sleeping, I didn’t want to leave the house, I would cry on my way to work and in the bathroom on breaks, and I just ended up becoming so numb to everything that I had nothing left to feel. Depression eventually stole the job I studied and trained so hard for and I couldn’t carry on working there anymore. I pushed myself hard to make it work, but in the end, I couldn’t do a thing about it.

I tried to find a job within respiratory therapy that wasn’t in the critical care environment, but those jobs are highly competitive and I wasn’t able to land one. I ended up just taking a job anywhere. I didn’t really care what it was at the time as long as I wouldn’t be bringing stress home with me. The more time went by, the better I began to feel and I was eventually full of energy and dreams again. I had always wanted to work overseas, so that’s what I focused on chasing. I was thrilled when I landed my English teaching job in Japan a year later, and I truly loved working and living there, but I could feel my old enemy stalking me in the dark corners of my mind, waiting for an opportunity to strike. Eventually it won again. It wasn’t because of the job, but because I was being constantly overly criticized by my boss about things I had no control over, like my American accent (the previous teacher had a British accent). That wasn’t the only ridiculous criticism, but suffice it to say, being made to feel completely incompetent on a near daily basis, even though the people who trained me said I was doing a fine job, made it hard to want to continue and I chose to leave the country. I didn’t want to do it, but I felt backed into a corner, consumed by dark thoughts and feeling like I did when I worked in the hospital.

It’s been a while since the last time I had major trouble, but I can feel it creeping back in again. The last few weeks have been rough and I’ve been struggling with motivation to get out of bed every day. After what happened today, I’m going to have to think about making some hard decisions. I’m facing the possibility of temporarily working at a different job location than my current one and I absolutely don’t want to do it, but my feelings about the matter are being invalidated. The way I currently feel, I don’t want to do anything outside of my normal routine. Sticking with a schedule I’m used to is what is going to help me feel better, not being forced into an uncertain situation and being told not to feel a certain way. It’s unfair to tell me not to be frustrated over a lack of control for something I should have a say in.

Anyway, I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, but maybe if someone is having a hard time, they can realize that other people feel this way, too, and that they aren’t alone.

5K Number Two

On By LeraIn Life, running1 Comment

I woke up in the dark, feeling wide awake. Knowing I had a race in a few hours made it impossible for me to sleep any longer, even though I had only slept five and a half hours. I could already feel the nerves kicking in as I got out of bed and changed into the clothes I had laid out the night before. I had my usual breakfast of overnight oats made with milk and chia seeds, and began doing some stretching. I had only run twice in the week leading up to the race in an attempt to keep some of my hip flexor tendinitis at bay, and it kind of helped. That said, I was still feeling pain and my hip was stiff. I got it loosened up the best I could while listening to some music to psych me up for the event. Finally it was time to leave. I donned my jacket, quickly ate a banana, and walked out the door.

The weather that day was less than ideal. I had been expecting 40 degrees and rain, according to the forecast I checked before I went to bed, but instead it decided to be a few degrees cooler and snow. I very carefully made the drive to the orchard where the race was being held. The roads were slushy and I knew during the drive that this run was going to be challenging. I was surprised just how much snow was sticking since it had just been unseasonably warm two days prior. I pulled into the parking lot and, as luck would have it, I opened the car door and stepped into a puddle. I could already feel cold water in my shoe, a feeling I’d need to get used to anyway in those conditions, so I didn’t worry too much about it. Luckily there was a tent set up for registration, so I stood under there to keep dry and talked to a few people while we waited for the race to start.

Finally it was 9:55 and time to make my way to the starting line. I felt ready. I had been able to consistently run 2 miles in the 2 weeks leading up to the race, so I was feeling confident that I cold run most, if not maybe all, of this race, especially since most of it was on the road. The race organizer counted us down and yelled “Go!”, and I took off. The first few minutes were in the orchard itself on a gravel access road, but it was snow covered and had potholes, so it was a little hard to navigate and I could already feel pain from the uneven terrain. I just kept telling myself that I just had to make it to the road and I’d do better. I’m used to running on the road and I have less pain doing that.

Unfortunately, it just didn’t turn out to be my day. I was hurting even running on the road, and the cold air was making my asthma flare up and I could feel my lungs burn as my feet pounded the slushy road and snow swirled all around me. I ended up slowing to a walk for a few minutes before I ran again, and I spent the whole race alternating back and forth between the two. I tried my best to clear my head and not feel discouraged when everyone else passed me. I was freezing, my feet were going numb, but no way was I going to turn around and go back. I slowly made my way back to the orchard. Partway down the completely snow-covered access road, two runners who had already finished and who I hadn’t met before were making their way toward me. They asked if they could run back with me and I told them that was fine. I appreciated the company and they distracted me on the way back. As I made the final turn to the finish line, half a dozen people were still out there cheering me on while I approached. I was so grateful to have all that support. The fact that they stood out in the freezing cold, wet weather and waited for me meant the world. Most of them finished at least 15-20 minutes before I did. I grabbed my medal and we all went inside to get hot cider and victory donuts. We chatted a while and celebrated finishing the race. Most of the group was new to running this year, so I was in great company.

I wish I had done better, but I’m still not able to shine in races. I get so discouraged seeing everyone go out in front of me. Even though I expected it before the race even started, I guess in the end I wasn’t able to overcome that feeling. I didn’t want to race to beat anyone. My only goal was to do better than I did in my first race, and sadly I didn’t meet that goal. I was a few minutes slower. I know there were factors out of my control, but I had been expecting to do so much better. I’m still glad I showed up because one day I’ll learn how to do as good in races as I do in training. It was only my second race, so i have a long way to go.

Feeling Like Giving Up

On By LeraIn Cycling, Life, running1 Comment

I had my followup appointment today for my hip tendinitis and I’ve been crying off and on all day. I’m so beyond frustrated with my orthopedic doctor. It was a huge waste of my time (and money). Both of my hips have been bothering me, but in different places. On the left side it’s my gluteus medius tendon and on the right it’s my hip flexors. My left side has been feeling better; it’s not perfect, but the pain is less most days. My right side has been unchanged. I figured my doctor might want to discuss how some of the things I’ve been trying at physical therapy have been helping, especially the temporary shoe lift on my right foot. I was curious to see what he’d have to say about it and if he thinks it might be a solution to getting all of my trouble areas to heal up and leave me be.

He had no interest in any of that. He seemed almost offended that I went to my PT for help while I waited for my follow-up appointment and questioned how badly I was actually hurting. He told me I can’t just go to PT forever. I wouldn’t call a couple of sessions after 6 weeks working on a home program “forever”. All the doctor told me was that I should get a home program from my PT and work hard at it and everything would go away, never mind the fact that I’ve been doing that exact thing. I do my PT exercises every day, and on days where I’m hurting really badly, I stretch extra. He also told me to join a gym, lose weight, and work on diet and my pain would go away. I had to remind him that I’ve already lost a lot of weight (nearly 70 pounds), and that the hip issues started when I became a runner. The left side has been bothering me for 13 months and the right side for about 5 months. I really wanted to know what my doctor thought about my leg length discrepancy, and I didn’t even get a chance to ask him because he made me cry right there in his office. I agree with my PT about my leg length discrepancy being the cause, but it’s not a simple thing to just fix. Left untreated, my body develops poor compensatory patterns, which is why I have so many other areas that are hurting, which lately has been my right knee. Even treating a leg length discrepancy can cause problems while the body adjusts to its new mechanics if it’s treated too aggressively too quickly. I don’t know why my doctor didn’t want to talk about any of that stuff. Maybe he didn’t even read the chart. He sure didn’t seem to remember I was a runner until I told him I had a 5k this weekend I needed to get through, and his only response to that was that he was glad to hear it because it would help with the weight loss. It was at that point I started to cry. His last piece of brilliant advice was to tell me to call up the office and make an appointment if it didn’t get any better. I don’t understand how much “not better” it needs to be for him to care, but I’m certainly not going back.

I really don’t understand what happened today. My doctor was great about getting my left hip feeling better. Why is it different because it’s the right side that’s still bothering me? In the meantime, there’s not a lot I can do. My PT has been wonderful at helping me look for solutions, so I’m grateful I at least have someone who is interested in helping me. Him not being a physician limits that help, but it’s still been a blessing. He recommended I make the shoe modification permanent and told me of a place that should be able to do that for me in the next city over. The only reservation I have is if it removes the support aspect of my motion control shoes, and my PT wasn’t sure, so I’ll have a few questions I want to ask. In the meantime, the temporary ones are helping for now. I don’t know how much that will cost to modify my shoes, but if it will give me a chance at a pain-free life, I’ll try it if the price is reasonable enough. In the meantime, I’ll be taking a couple of weeks off from running after my 5k. I’ll also be taking a few weeks off from PT to work on a home strengthening program while I’m not running and see where that gets me.

I try incredibly hard to be positive and optimistic, but I’m struggling with that right now. I’ve been doing pretty well with my running considering all these injuries, and now with my asthma and the cold air for the winter season. It’s hard to see success on paper in my training journal and still feel like I’m somehow failing. The numbers may look good, but the way my body feels tells a different story.

Pre-race Update

On By LeraIn Life, runningLeave a comment

It’s been a week and a half since I’ve been trying those temporary lifts in my right shoe that my physical therapist made me. Overall, I think they’ve been helping. I still have a lot of pain, but it feels easier to walk. I’ve had a leg length discrepancy my whole life, so I’ve always been used to how it feels. Using a heel lift again back in March helped, but it didn’t fully correct it. The new shoe inserts put me up to where my legs feel very close to even. I didn’t even know how good it could feel to walk. The hope is still that it will eventually help my other injuries go away and stay away by removing the extra strain on my muscles and tendons. My only concern is that my right knee has been trying to bother me lately. It does sometimes, so I don’t know if it’s just one of its occasional flare-ups or if it’s because of the lifts. I mentioned it to my PT and he wasn’t too concerned, so I’m just keeping an eye on it for now.

My running has been going pretty well. I’m able to run 25 minutes straight through with no walk breaks now! I’ve never been able to do that much. I’m still very slow, around a 14 minute mile, but it’s a start. Another month or two and that will be improved. I’m hoping to be able to run 30 minutes by my last 2 runs before the 5k in 13 days, and then on race day i’ll be trying my hardest to run all of it straight through. I’m really glad I’m back in PT and working on loosening up my muscles and building some strength. I’ve only been going once a week and doing a lot of stuff at home, but I’m still finding it helpful. If I can get both of my SI joints moving the right way, that should also help. They’re both still stuck, but in different directions, because my body apparently can’t do anything normal xD

Trying Something New

On By LeraIn Life, runningLeave a comment

Last week I reached my limit with my ongoing injuries and pain and called up the physical therapy clinic. I spoke with my PT on the phone about what was going on, and he had me come in so he could do an assessment since it had been about 7 weeks since I was there last. He spent a lot of time looking at everything and started formulating a plan to treat my stuck SI joint and deal with my uneven legs, which he thinks may end up helping. He was careful to say it was his best guess, which I totally understand. I know it isn’t a certainty, but I’m grateful he’s willing to try. I went back a couple days later so we could get to work on treating the problems.

Friday when I was at PT, I was the only patient there because the other one had cancelled. My PT did another assessment and the other therapist that was there was fascinated. The difference between my left and right hip height is very drastic, and he found it really interesting (his exact words were, “WOW! No way!”). The two of them brainstormed together about what might help. Eventually after testing me with different heights under my right foot, my PT made me something temporary to try in my right shoe to make my legs and pelvis even. If my body responds well to it, I’ll have to get my right shoe built up to that height, and if my body doesn’t like it, it’s back to the drawing board. It’s too early to know for sure, but I had a little less pain running this morning. I occasionally have low pain running days, so I don’t know if it was the lifts or just a coincidence. I’m planning to run again Thursday before my appointment so I can at least have two runs worth of info to give my PT.

I’m hoping eventually I can do a lot more trail running. I discussed it at PT and at the moment it’s best not to do it very often because, as my PT put it, my “body would be a mess if I ran trails”. I don’t really mind running on the road because my body likes it more, but my soul likes the forest runs more. Being surrounded by nature on a run is incredibly refreshing.

I also did something new that was fun last week and volunteered for the local Zombie Run. I wanted to run it because there were people dressed like zombies hiding in the woods scaring the runners and it sounded like a lot of fun, but I didn’t want to push myself too much and make anything worse. It was fun seeing race day behind the scenes, though, even though it was freezing that evening. I still felt like I was able to participate in some of the fun. I got to run the registration table and check the runners and volunteer zombies in and out and make sure everyone signed a waiver. We also had 6 extra runners that signed up on race day, so I had to collect payments, too. I enjoyed getting to greet everyone and meet some new people in the process. The next time I’m not running a race that’s being held, I’ll volunteer again. It was a great experience!

Constant Struggles

On By LeraIn Cycling, Life, runningLeave a comment

I’ve been having a really hard time since the 5k. Somehow, despite everything I try and all the effort I put in to following the advice I’m given to the letter, I can’t catch a break. At my last physical therapy session before the race, I was told that after it was over, I should take a break from my workouts for two weeks and rest. I had already decreased my biking for weeks before the race so I wouldn’t work my trouble spots harder than they were already working, which made sense and I figured the sacrifice would be worth it. I was at least able to keep training and run my race. My PT wanted me to decrease my biking even more, which knocked me down to just 3 days a week of only 20-30 minutes and absolutely no running for the duration of the break. During that time, I missed running and was anxious to get back to training for the next 5k, but I really missed biking. I was riding 6-7 days a week before, and between 45-90 minutes each ride depending on the day. Last year I was able to easily log 15-20 miles a day, and for the last month it’s been 5-6 miles on average. Biking was how I erased my stress, and I am really having a hard time not being able to bike as much as I want.

The two week break felt like it lasted forever, but my pain steadily decreased during that time. My first run back felt amazing, and most importantly, there was no pain. I thought I was finally in the clear. My second run that week went well, too, but my third one was when I knew I was getting my hopes up too high too soon. All of the pain returned near the end of that first week back, which was last week. Fast forward to this week, and it’s still here. I ran twice already and am planning to run again tomorrow. I decided to follow the C25K (couch to 5k) program exactly as laid out unless I need to make modifications. Even though I was able to do more a few weeks ago in terms of endurance, I’m hoping that keeping it easy and steadily increasing my runs with a progressive plan will help keep the pain manageable enough for the next 6 weeks until the race.

So, basically I’m stuck at what to do. I absolutely don’t see the point in taking time off if it isn’t going to help. No, 2 weeks isn’t a long break, but the time before this I took 5 weeks, and the time before that, 16 weeks. What’s the point in taking a break if it doesn’t even provide lasting relief? I could take more time off, but it’s not guaranteed to even work, and I can’t afford to miss any runs leading up to the race. I’m only running 3 days a week, so it’s not like I’m overdoing it. I’m keeping my bike mileage down for now. But what else can I do? I’m doing everything my PT taught me how to do, and the unfortunate thing is that he’s now on medical leave for a while longer and he’s the one that actually knows my case, not to mention that all my PT benefits are used up for the year and having to do self-pay is already going to limit how much I can go because it isn’t cheap. It’s certainly not something I can do more than once a week. I was thinking of calling the clinic and asking if I can do an appointment to come up with a different home plan to try. The rest of the staff at that clinic is awesome and I wouldn’t mind working with any of them, but I have so much going on that I fear whoever it ends up being is going to be overwhelmed with everything I have going on.

As of now, the exhaustive list is:

  1. Left gluteus medius tendonitis and trochanteric bursitis
  2. Left TFL injury of some sort based on the stretches I can feel for that area
  3. Left proximal hamstring strain
  4. Left piriformis tightness, which leads to pain
  5. Left SI joint area pain when I run, and ocassionally with prolonged walking
  6. Right hip flexor tendonitis
  7. Right hamstring strain about two inches above my knee
  8. Right ankle mystery problem (still no official diagnosis after 2.5 years)

It’s really depressing to see everything in a list, but it is what it is. I started having most of these issues after my surgery, but I thought it was related to 10 weeks of crutches, and a few months of wearing the walking boot. I know for sure my body wasn’t moving ideally for a long time after my surgery, so it easily could have been that. I’ve had gluteus medius tendonitis before, about 11 years ago, but it went away pretty quickly and didn’t come back until 11 months ago.

My PT thinks a lot of it has to do with my ankle not letting me walk properly. I’m sure that has something to do with it, but I have another theory. Personally, I think it’s mostly related to me having a short right leg (anatomical origin as measured in special x-rays). I’ve been researching a lot, and the pain pattern I have is common for that issue. I have a 1 centimeter heel lift in my right shoe, but it’s not enough to fully level my pelvis. Running really aggravates everything, but I don’t know what else to do for it. I can’t use any higher of a lift in my shoe without my heel slipping out. There’s only one other nonsurgical option, and that’s getting my right shoe built to the correct height to even my legs out. I don’t know if it would help, but I’ll certainly be asking about it at my next follow-up with my specialist next month. The only problem with messing with the sole of the shoe is that I don’t know if it would render the motion control useless. I really need a motion control shoe to keep my ankle mostly happy when I run. Without it, I had a lot of ankle instability.

Anyway, forgive my ramblings. I guess I just can’t keep it bottled up anymore and needed to complain in a way that wouldn’t annoy anyone too much. I’m hoping I have time for a PT appointment next week to learn some new stretches and exercises I can try and see if that helps. I certainly have nothing to lose.

First 5k!

On By LeraIn Life, runningLeave a comment

I finally got to experience my first 5k race! Well, it wasn’t much of a race for me since I was super slow, but it’s a stepping stone and it was great motivation to keep trying. Really, my performance was pretty dismal, but I learned a lot.

The morning of the race was warm and clear. I pulled into the park about ten minutes after packet pickup started, and it wasn’t too crowded yet. It gave me some time to get some stretching in without being in anyone’s way. My nerves were on overdrive and I felt my anxiety intensify the closer to the start of the race it got. What helped calm it down some was seeing some people I knew. All together I knew 8 people there, 6 of whom I had met at some of the group runs, while the other two I knew outside of my running group. Having some familiar faces there was nice. I know I have nothing to compare it to, but it’s probably one of the best benefits of a small race. Fourty-four runners came out to race in total.

At the starting line, I stayed near the back of the pack since I knew I would be slow and I’d just get passed in the first 30 seconds anyway. At least I wouldn’t slow down the more serious runners and possibly cause them harm by being an obstacle to go around. When the official call to began was shouted, I was off. I started out way too fast; I felt my pace being set by all the faster people in front of me. After a minute or so, I settled into my usual sloth’s pace, determined not to wear myself out too early. A few days before, I had only just ran 2 miles (in intervals) for the first time, so I knew doing 3.1 would be a huge challenge for me. I did really well at the beginning and ran almost a mile without slowing to a walk. Considering I was only 75% of the way through my training plan, I was happy with that.

Unfortunately things didn’t stay that well for me. I had a hard time when I got a little ways into the woods. I hadn’t trained back there more than twice, so I wasn’t really prepared for more than a third of the race to be on uneven terrain. I wasn’t very far into the woods when the fast group of runners came by on their way back out of the woods, but at least half a dozen of them wished me good luck and told me to keep it up. I did ok back there until I was about halfway through. I was so exhausted and in so much pain from all of my nagging injuries that I walked about half the race. It got worse when I tripped over a tree root and fell, landing on my entire right side. I felt frustration well up inside me and felt tears start to form, but I pushed away all those feelings as quickly as I could and got back up and started running again.

When I finally made it out of the woods, I thought I just had a straight shot from the woods to the finish line, so I locked onto it and willed my body to keep going even though my burning tendons were screaming at me. I was so focused, or maybe just so tired, that I missed the last arrow and didn’t make the final turn. I only realized when I went through the start/finish arch backward that I had made a mistake. No one pointed it out to me, and there wasn’t another runner in front of me to follow because I was so slow. It was frustrating because it felt like I cheated by not completing the whole distance. I finished 40/44 at the race, with a time of 44 minutes, but really it should have been a few minutes more than that if I had actually ran the right direction.

Despite all the difficulty I had during the race, I had a good time. My endurance had built up enough that I should have been able to run the majority of that race by doing short 1 minute walks ocassionally, but my injuries had other ideas. Things were far from ideal, but it was a great feeling to be able to finish and celebrate everything I’ve had to overcome in the 21 months since my surgery. It’s been a harder journey to get to my first 5k than I could have predicted, but it’s been really rewarding. If I hadn’t been going through all these struggles, I probably never would have found out about my running group. It’s only because Dr. S brought it up at my last appointment with him and talked with me about my running struggles that I knew about it. I made sure to thank him when I saw him at the race. I don’t know if he really understands just how much he did for me by suggesting that group. I’ve run with them now more times that I can keep track of anymore, and I’ve enjoyed getting to know some new people. I was motivated to run before I joined that group, but now my motivation is even stronger. Even though it seems like I’m someone who never gives up, it’s been a huge struggle to keep training despite the pain. I’m already planning to do another 5k in November, but I’m taking two weeks off from running at the suggestion of my PT and getting right back into it. So until then, keep working toward whatever it is you’re working toward and attack it head on!

5K Training

On By LeraIn Cycling, Life, runningLeave a comment

Somehow yet another month has slipped by without an update. As predicted, I ended up back at physical therapy for all of my injuries. Better to work on them now before they stop me 100% from doing anything, which was the route I was headed down if I continued to ignore them. My PT knows my goal and how determined I am to meet it, so we’ve been aggressive at the stretching, and I started doing some strengthening this week. I’ve managed to keep running 3 days a week out of sheer stubbornness. Usually it hurts some, but no more than when I’m not running, so I’m going to keep at it. I absolutely refuse to stop again unless I’m told by a medical professional that I should. This is the third time in a year I’ve started trying to run, and I’m going to do everything I can to keep at it.

I decided to sign up for the 5k Dr. S told me about, which is hosted by the running group I joined. I can’t believe it’s only 12 days away. Considering I had to cancel the one in February due to injury, saying I’m looking forward to it is an understatement. I can’t even describe how ridiculously excited I am to finally be this close to that goal. I know I won’t be able to run the whole thing because I won’t be done with my training plan, but if I work in intervals, I should be able to run 80% of the time. I’ll push myself to do what I can, but I’m not going to stress out about it. I’ve also cut my cycling down for now to see if that helps the pain and stiffness in my hips and hamstrings. I think my every day bike habit is hindering my ability to rest well enough, so from now until the race, I’m only riding a few days a week and at a slower pace and less time than I’d prefer. It will hopefully be worth it come race day.

Lastly, I really love being part of a running group. I’ve mostly interacted with the members on Facebook, but I was able to make it to one group run so far, and it was awesome. Having some support out there makes a big difference, and there are a mix of beginners and non beginners, so there are people who understand the struggle to start running and people to look up to for future goals. Everyone has been amazing so far. I plan to do two more group runs this week, and I’m really looking forward to it. I’m learning a little about park runs and trail runs through them, and while I’ve only done one trail run so far, I loved it. Being in the woods surrounded by nature was refreshing. I just have to be careful I don’t roll an ankle on the uneven ground, which is why I haven’t been again yet. I do that enough on flat ground to the right ankle, which, as y’all know, already has problems. I don’t need another injury right before my race. I seem to be a magnet for them this past year, and enough is enough.

That’s all I have for now! I’ll let everyone know how my race goes, and maybe even post some photos!!

A Busy Past Month

On By LeraIn Cycling, Life, runningLeave a comment

Well, it’s been a heck of a month since I last wrote! As usual, this update will be a bit of a mixed bag of good and bad, but that’s just life for you. Sorry that this is so long! I really need to make it more of a habit to write more than once a month.

I finally got my bike back on July 9, after about 5 weeks at the repair shop. It was a long wait! It’s nice to have safe, functioning brakes again! I almost threw myself over the handlebars on my first ride because they were so responsive. However, I’m not a huge fan of the tire they put on the bike for me because it’s so heavy, but considering I had no other options, I’ll take what I can get. I can always switch it out at a later time. My speeds are slower than they used to be by 1 mph, which isn’t a huge difference, but it puts me back in the light cycling speed bracket 😦  Once the tread wears down a little, I might have more luck.

Next, the early success with the cortisone shot is fading. I still feel better than before, but I’m thinking when I go for my follow-up in two weeks, I’ll be back at physical therapy. I’m not even sure if it’s the same muscle (my left gluteus medius) that’s bothering me, or if it might be my TFL. Both are on the side of the hip where it hurts, and I did have tightness in my TFL when I was doing PT in the winter. I also am 99% sure I have a proximal hamstring injury on the same side, but I need it properly diagnosed by a doctor. Lastly, I’m also having trouble with my right hip flexors and some very slight occasional pain on the side. I’ve been stretching daily to try to relieve everything, but nothing is working to resolve the issues. I ordered a smaller diameter foam roller since the one I have is too big to get all my muscles well, so I’m hoping that might help. Despite all this, I have been able to run, but my pace is really suffering most days. It doesn’t hurt more while running or immediately after, which is the gauge I was given by PT to measure whether I should stop, so I’ve been trying my best to work through it.

I saw Dr. S for my elbow again yesterday, which is better than before thanks to therapy, but it still bothers me at work most days and lately every day when I ride my bike. My arm has also been hurting in the triceps area (which seems unusual for tennis elbow judging by my doctor’s puzzlement) and sometimes up to my shoulder and down through my middle finger. It’s not like that all the time, but it’s enough that it’s a bit worrisome. He gave me a referral to a sports medicine office, but warned me that they don’t like to take his patients if they aren’t athletes. As someone who is an active cyclist and who would love to play tennis again someday or sign up for martial arts, I’m hoping to have some luck. He also put my right ankle on the referral, so maybe someone might be able to figure out what’s wrong with it finally. I gave up on the ankle after that disastrous second opinion back in January, so I guess it’s time to try again.

Also while I was at my appointment yesterday, Dr. S talked with me a bit about running and what might help with some of these ongoing injuries. He suggested doing a video analysis of my running form, but I can’t find any good information from the place he suggested. He said they did it for him at the YMCA in a neighboring city, which does have a specialized physical therapy clinic, but it looks like I don’t have insurance coverage there. I’m not sure if the clinic I always go to would, but at the very least they might be able to just watch me run and make suggestions. I’ll look more into that after my orthopedics appointment, because, like I said, I have a feeling I’ll end up back at physical therapy.

Lastly, Dr. S told me about a local Couch to 5k running group at one of the parks close by, so I did some searching and found the group on Facebook. It will be nice to meet some other beginner runners in the area. I’m not doing that particular program, but I am doing a run/walk interval training program similar to that, so I asked to join the group and was accepted. They do group runs a few nights a week, which I will try to go to on the days I don’t have the afternoon shift, but in the meantime, I can hang out and meet some people online in the group. They’re hosting a program graduation 5k that benefits an area children’s hospital, but I don’t think I’ll be ready in 5.5 weeks. I might see where I am and maybe I can do the interval thing to finish, but I’ll have to consider how safe it might be with my nagging injuries.

Fear is a Formidable Foe

On By LeraIn LifeLeave a comment

Fear is very controlling. It is something I’ve let stand in my way more times than I care to admit. I’ve been paralyzed because of fear for insignificant things, like talking to someone I don’t know, and for bigger things, like deciding to change careers. Most recently, I conquered one of my fears related to healthcare– the dreaded Pap smear. When I say fear, I mean it. I put it off for over a decade for reasons I won’t get into because it’s hard to think about, but suffice it to say, I should have done this a loooong time ago.

My primary care doctor (Dr. S) has been trying to get me to do the test since I started seeing him a year and a half ago. He’s been really patient with me and knew my reluctance at letting someone do one again. He spent a lot of time talking to me about it at my very first appointment with him in January of last year, and again this past February when I went for my yearly physical and asthma check-in. He never made me feel bad about it and I came close to letting him do the test in February, but chickened out at the last minute. I’ve had other doctors get really annoyed with me that I haven’t had a proper exam in such a long time and one told me to “just get over it already”. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that a response like that was never going to get me to go get it done. Dr. S took the time to discuss the importance of it and even told me a personal story about one of his attendings when he was in residency. He told me just to let him know when I was ready if I wanted to do it in his office, or that I could find a gynecologist. He suggested that it might be easier to see a female doctor for that part of my care. He never pressured me to do something I was clearly uncomfortable with. Usually I don’t care about gender, but since I’ve always somehow had male primary care doctors as an adult, I figured it was worth thinking about finding a specialist who was female. I spent a lot of time researching doctors, and something that made it easier was that my local healthcare system has short videos of the doctors practicing with them answering questions about care philosophy and why they chose the specialty they did. I watched a couple of them, but as soon as I saw the video for the doctor I chose (Dr. L), I knew she was going to be a good fit. I like that she spoke about being proactive and never shying away from asking questions, and her personality seemed so bright and positive. She also has a lot of good patient reviews, which I don’t put a lot of stock in, but the fact that people took time to write glowing reviews of her does mean something.

Now that I had decided on a doctor, the time came to actually call and make an appointment. I was so nervous just calling the office’s phone number that my heart was racing and I could hear the beating in my ears. My hand was shaking a little as I put the phone to my ear and the receptionist answered. All this happened in February, and the first opening she had was five months later in early July. She only has a certain number of new patient appointments, I believe it was just two days a week, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. I made the appointment and while I was actually hoping to get something sooner so I didn’t have to sit around and think about it for five months, I think it worked out having it be a way into the future. I spent a lot of time trying to calm the anxiety that crept up every time I thought about the appointment, and I’ll be honest– I actually thought about cancelling, but I resolved to conquer this one way or another.

My appointment was yesterday, and while I was extremely nervous sitting in the waiting area, my nerves calmed down quite a bit for the appointment. I had to answer the questions with the medical assistant first, like any other appointment, and do weight and blood pressure measurements, and then I was shown to an exam room. Dr. L came to talk to me before I had to get changed into a gown, which was nice because it gave us a short chance to get to know one another in what felt like more of a “normal” doctor’s office setting. I felt really comfortable with her from the moment she walked in the room, which is a great relief, because I feel like I could ask her anything without being made to feel strange about it. After we chatted for a few minutes, she left while I changed and came back in a few minutes later. Before each step of the appointment, she told me what she was going to do so I wouldn’t be surprised, and it calmed me down quite a bit. The exam part was easy, but the Pap was a little painful, which is to be expected. It wasn’t horrible or anything, but it did surprise me. After all that was done and I was sitting back up, she gave me a chance to ask questions. She wanted to make sure I had any information I wanted before she left, which was nice.

All in all, everything seemed a lot more daunting in my mind than it actually was in person. It feels great to have conquered that fear. My biggest health goal this year was to get caught up again on my Pap, so I’m really glad I was able to meet my goal. My primary care doctor played a big role in persuading me just by being patient with me and having a discussion with me like I was actually a person and not just part of his job. I probably wouldn’t have done it otherwise. I’m going to make sure to thank him for that next time I have an appointment with him. It’s nice to now have two doctors that I feel comfortable talking with should any issues come up. I’m not exactly thrilled that I need to do this every year, but I am glad to be taking a proactive approach to my health, so in a way, I guess I’m ready. I’m ready to stop letting fear hold me back from things that are important. Fear is a formidable foe.