Tag: biking

Random Thoughts

On By LeraIn LifeLeave a comment

I don’t have any real reason to be writing today other than just wanting to get some thoughts out of my head. I’ve been feeling kind of “blah” lately; there’s no one reason, but things just kind of add up after a while.

My recovery is moving along, albeit more slowly than I was hoping. I’m grateful that I’m at least making some progress, but I’m really frustrated at the same time. Physical therapy has been going fine, but I feel like I need to be challenged more. I finally got something new to work on yesterday after a couple of weeks of doing the same things every session. He seems to be trying to get me ready to just do stuff alone at home, and as thrilled as I would be for that to happen, I’m not ready for it. He told me that I’m back to daily activities because I worked one week full time, but just because I did it, doesn’t mean it went well or that I wasn’t in excruciating pain every day. I can’t just call off work because I’m in pain, and especially when my boss is out of town like he has been. Simple things are still so hard. I can’t walk without a limp because I can’t push off on my right foot and because of the pain, and I can’t go up and down the stairs easily for the same reason. I have no strength in my right lower leg, and it hurts even if I walk too fast or bend my foot too far. I’m even getting pain when I’m riding my bike, and that never even happened before my surgery. I can’t even begin to think about running or playing tennis when the second I step out of bed, I hurt. So like I said, I’d be thrilled to be at the point of being done with therapy, but I don’t feel like I’m there if I can’t even walk properly. I already feel like my doctor isn’t really listening to me, and for the first time, I felt like my physical therapist wasn’t either. I don’t mind committing the time or money to physical therapy as long as I’m still getting benefits from it. I don’t want to be abandoned part way through my recovery just because I can do some exercises at home. I need to be challenged every week so I can get better faster. I’m still so stiff that I can’t even feel a stretch in my calf muscles because all the pain and swelling and stiffness at the heel keep me from being able to get the stretch up the rest of my leg.

It’s not just the recovery that is making me feel the way I have been. I just thought things would different than they are now. I lost almost 70 pounds, and I’m still overweight, but things were supposed to get easier afterward. Instead I’ve dealt with my Achilles tendinosis for about two years. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t have even bothered, but then I wouldn’t have discovered my love of biking. I’ve also been trying to find a new job, one that pays more and is more physically easy on my body, but I haven’t had any luck yet. And if all that wasn’t enough, I’ve just felt really lonely. I don’t mind doing things alone, but sometimes it would be nice to be able to do things with some friends. There’s only one person who regularly makes time for us to hang out together, and I’m so grateful to at least have her. Most of my other friends barely respond to a text or IM, and when they do it’s like playing twenty questions to carry on a conversation. I feel like everyone’s moving on with their lives and I’m stuck where I am. I was always told how much potential I had because I made high grades and worked hard, but that’s sometimes not enough after school. I don’t need a prestigious job or a lot of money, but I do want to do something I enjoy. I’m good at my current job, but it’s not the least bit fulfilling and I’m tired of having worked 99% of weekends and holidays for the last five years. I’m just craving some changes, I suppose.

I didn’t mean for this to turn into complaining, but I’m just a normal person. I’m not perfect, and I don’t try to pretend to be. I know I’m not the only one that feels this way, and it will go away eventually. Just being able to get these thoughts out of my head is already helping. I know almost no one reads this blog, and that’s okay. It’s here to be of help to anyone who might come across it and for me to remember everything about my surgery and recovery experience, and maybe even beyond. So, until next time, take care!

First Week of Freedom

On By LeraIn Cycling, Life, SurgeryLeave a comment

It’s been a week since I’ve gained some small freedoms, and it’s been going pretty well overall–not perfect by any means, but not too bad. I still have quite a bit of difficulty with going up and down the stairs and a little bit of difficulty with walking. I just don’t have the strength or balance yet to move normally, and I still get pain with those activities.

As far ask biking goes, I can do that mostly pain free. I’ve kept the resistance easier than I usually would, but yesterday I allowed myself to do a sprint at the end of my ride just to see how it would go. I got to 17 mph, which isn’t the best I’ve done, but it felt great flying down the road at that speed with the wind rushing past me. People who were outside last night turned to look at me. No, I’m not narcissistic; I know they just looked because that’s what people do when they see someone outside.

In terms of work, that’s still very challenging. I’m working an extra day next week–four days instead of three. I’m nervous about it, not because of the number, but because one of them is nine hours. I’ve been working 6.5 hours since I got back, so it’s not a huge increase, but I struggle with the shorter shifts. I know I’m going to have a hard time with the longer one. It’s still too hard physically. I’ll see how it goes, but I’m going to have to tell my boss he needs to let me work shorter days for a while yet. He didn’t ask me if I was ready. I probably would have told him no, but I’m not going to complain to him after he’s inconvenienced himself to accommodate me. As long as he doesn’t suddenly decide to schedule me 40 hours without checking first, I’ll try to deal with it. I can’t work without the boot yet. When it’s comfortable to do so, then I’ll go back up to full time. I’ve also been considering the possibility that I’ll need a less physically demanding job in the future. I can’t risk re-injuring myself. However, until physical therapy is done, I can’t go anywhere. I need the insurance coverage to pay for the visits and the followups with the surgeon.

Speaking of physical therapy, I started working on some new exercises this week now that I don’t have to keep it still all the time. My usual therapist has been out of the office this week, so Monday I worked with the assistant I’ve seen a few times before. She’s nice and I feel like she does a good job. She had me working on pushing off with my toes so walking will become easier. Today, though, I worked with a therapist that floats to different clinics when they need her. She was a nice person, but not the therapist for me. She was too gentle with the manual therapy. I didn’t feel like I got any real benefit out of it. When my usual therapist or the assistant does it, I can move more easily afterward, but today it felt like it wasn’t even done even though she worked on it for ten minutes. The float therapist had me working on some of the new stuff I started this week, but made me feel bad for holding on to the bar to keep my balance while I was trying to stand on one leg. I did the best I could without holding on, but it was too difficult. Then, when I was leaving, she told me I should really be working more on my limp because it’s a bad habit to have. I felt so confused, because isn’t it her job to help me learn how to move my muscles and joints the right way again? The more pain and stiffness I have, the more I limp. I left in more pain today than when I started. I was just thrilled to be moving as well as I was. I’m certainly limping less than I was last week right after the boot came off. My session ended ten minutes early today; if she was that concerned about my limp, she should have helped me with it a little. There was only one other patient in there at the time. I just didn’t appreciate the way it was brought up as I was leaving. I’m glad next week I can work with my usual therapist. Today felt like a waste of time to me, and usually I feel like I’ve at least made a little progress.