Category: Life

Physical Therapy Hiatus

On By LeraIn Life, SurgeryLeave a comment

As the title gives away, I’m taking a break from physical therapy; today was my last appointment until the beginning of July. I worked with my usual therapist today and that was his decision. He isn’t sure that continuing to attend will make a difference when I can do a lot of the stuff at home. He told me that most people are talking about running by 4-5 months after surgery, and I can’t even walk properly yet at 6 months. I don’t have a severe limp, but enough that it’s noticeable to strangers because they ask me on a regular basis what I did to myself. I get so much pain and stiffness pushing off my right foot that I can’t move it correctly. At one point my therapist was talking about me coming once a week for a formal session and doing a maintenance program where I could come in and use the equipment one or two other days a week. I don’t understand why we’re going from twice a week to nothing when I can’t do the harder variations of the exercises he’s given me. I need help strengthening my muscles and getting them to stretch better. I don’t think doing the same things for the next month is going to give me what I need. I need someone to guide me and tell me when I can challenge myself and when I should do less.

I feel like everyone I was counting on to help me with my recovery is giving up on me. My doctor always just tells me to give things time to heal when I bring up a concern, and now I don’t have physical therapy to help me unless my therapist decides to have me continue when I go back in a month. Maybe my expectations were too high, but I don’t think it’s asking so much to be able to get normal function back. I assumed I’d be doing physical therapy until I could walk right again, and just beginning to run. I fully understand that I don’t need to attend throughout my whole recovery, but I want my daily life to be easier than it is now.

A Post in Which I Complain

On By LeraIn Life, SurgeryLeave a comment

I don’t have any major reason for writing tonight except that I just wanted to get some thoughts out. I’m still diligently attending physical therapy twice a week and working on some stuff at home. There’s a new therapist that just started there about two weeks ago and I’ve worked with him twice. He’s given me some new things to work on, which I like. He’s a nice guy, maybe too nice. When he does my manual therapy, he’s way too gentle. I don’t know if that’s just how he learned to do it or if he’s afraid to hurt me by being more aggressive, but that’s the only issue I have with him. Otherwise, he’s great. I’m probably just used to how aggressive my usual physical therapist is when he works on my foot/leg, which is usually pretty painful, but it does feel better afterward.

Usually I like going to physical therapy because I want to push myself to heal, but today I couldn’t wait to leave. My normal physical therapist wasn’t there, and the new one was working with a different patient today, so I got stuck with the same float therapist from about two months ago. I say “got stuck with” because I wouldn’t have rather cancelled my session today than to have worked with her. Last time she told me I “really shouldn’t be limping because it’s a bad habit”, like it’s my fault when my tendon gets sore and inflamed it doesn’t want to move right. Today’s session went no better. She seemed almost surprised I was still there and told me that if I wasn’t making progress I should just quit going so I don’t abuse the sessions… WHAT THE HECK?? I don’t understand how she’s qualified to make any statements about the course of my treatment when she’s worked with me exactly twice and knows nothing about my case. I’ve made progress, it’s just been on the slow side. That’s hardly a reason to quit. My surgeon told me to expect six to twelve months of physical therapy, so why she’s saying that to me after four months, and really only almost three since I couldn’t do much when I was still in the boot at the beginning, I just don’t understand. She also talks to me like I’m four years old, asking me if I “always get raised scars when I get boo-boos”. I was so annoyed by the time I left there that I wish I would have just cancelled the appointment and made it for tomorrow instead.

I’m so glad I’m working with my normal therapist on Thursday, the one who I’ve been with since the beginning, even before my surgery, so at least I know my next session won’t be a waste of my time. I’m definitely going to tell him about today’s therapist telling me to quit. I refuse to believe that my foot is as good as it’s going to get, and he’s not going to tell me I’m done yet. We talked about the future a few weeks ago and moving down to once a week of official treatment and a maintenance program where I come use the equipment on my own once my insurance benefits run out. I absolutely won’t settle for only partial healing and a life of limping and pain when I walk.

Random Thoughts

On By LeraIn LifeLeave a comment

I don’t have any real reason to be writing today other than just wanting to get some thoughts out of my head. I’ve been feeling kind of “blah” lately; there’s no one reason, but things just kind of add up after a while.

My recovery is moving along, albeit more slowly than I was hoping. I’m grateful that I’m at least making some progress, but I’m really frustrated at the same time. Physical therapy has been going fine, but I feel like I need to be challenged more. I finally got something new to work on yesterday after a couple of weeks of doing the same things every session. He seems to be trying to get me ready to just do stuff alone at home, and as thrilled as I would be for that to happen, I’m not ready for it. He told me that I’m back to daily activities because I worked one week full time, but just because I did it, doesn’t mean it went well or that I wasn’t in excruciating pain every day. I can’t just call off work because I’m in pain, and especially when my boss is out of town like he has been. Simple things are still so hard. I can’t walk without a limp because I can’t push off on my right foot and because of the pain, and I can’t go up and down the stairs easily for the same reason. I have no strength in my right lower leg, and it hurts even if I walk too fast or bend my foot too far. I’m even getting pain when I’m riding my bike, and that never even happened before my surgery. I can’t even begin to think about running or playing tennis when the second I step out of bed, I hurt. So like I said, I’d be thrilled to be at the point of being done with therapy, but I don’t feel like I’m there if I can’t even walk properly. I already feel like my doctor isn’t really listening to me, and for the first time, I felt like my physical therapist wasn’t either. I don’t mind committing the time or money to physical therapy as long as I’m still getting benefits from it. I don’t want to be abandoned part way through my recovery just because I can do some exercises at home. I need to be challenged every week so I can get better faster. I’m still so stiff that I can’t even feel a stretch in my calf muscles because all the pain and swelling and stiffness at the heel keep me from being able to get the stretch up the rest of my leg.

It’s not just the recovery that is making me feel the way I have been. I just thought things would different than they are now. I lost almost 70 pounds, and I’m still overweight, but things were supposed to get easier afterward. Instead I’ve dealt with my Achilles tendinosis for about two years. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t have even bothered, but then I wouldn’t have discovered my love of biking. I’ve also been trying to find a new job, one that pays more and is more physically easy on my body, but I haven’t had any luck yet. And if all that wasn’t enough, I’ve just felt really lonely. I don’t mind doing things alone, but sometimes it would be nice to be able to do things with some friends. There’s only one person who regularly makes time for us to hang out together, and I’m so grateful to at least have her. Most of my other friends barely respond to a text or IM, and when they do it’s like playing twenty questions to carry on a conversation. I feel like everyone’s moving on with their lives and I’m stuck where I am. I was always told how much potential I had because I made high grades and worked hard, but that’s sometimes not enough after school. I don’t need a prestigious job or a lot of money, but I do want to do something I enjoy. I’m good at my current job, but it’s not the least bit fulfilling and I’m tired of having worked 99% of weekends and holidays for the last five years. I’m just craving some changes, I suppose.

I didn’t mean for this to turn into complaining, but I’m just a normal person. I’m not perfect, and I don’t try to pretend to be. I know I’m not the only one that feels this way, and it will go away eventually. Just being able to get these thoughts out of my head is already helping. I know almost no one reads this blog, and that’s okay. It’s here to be of help to anyone who might come across it and for me to remember everything about my surgery and recovery experience, and maybe even beyond. So, until next time, take care!

5 Months Later

On By LeraIn Life, SurgeryLeave a comment

It’s been five months since my surgery. It really doesn’t seem like it was that long ago. I think I say that every time I reach a milestone, but it’s true. Looking back, time just slips away so swiftly, but day by day it seems stagnant sometimes. I’m happy that I’ve made progress in my recovery, but it’s been a lot slower than I was expecting.

I had my follow up appointment with my surgeon today. I was hoping to get some answers to some of the issues I wrote about last time, but all he said was that they were all related to the surgery and should get better in time. He didn’t look at my foot very closely; he just tested the strength by having me push my foot against his hand and that was it. I can see how the heel problem would be related, and it’s trying to get better now that I wear shoes with a gel heel cup in them all the time, even around the house. I still can’t walk barefoot without feeling like I’m walking directly on my heel bone. The issue with the swelling over the outside ankle bone, however, was giving me trouble before my surgery, so I’m not even sure it’s related. All I know is that after working on it all day, it’s swollen and painful and holding me back from being able to move my foot normally.

I’m also pretty sure there’s something going on inside my ankle in one of the joints. I still can’t walk properly and I limp if I’m walking for too long. My limp was awful at work last night. At physical therapy yesterday, my therapist pulled on my ankle and got some good pops out of it, so hopefully it will stay loose for at least a little while. I’m so tired of being in pain. I didn’t expect an easy recovery; I knew it would have its challenges, but I didn’t think it would be quite so bad. I definitely didn’t expect to be having new problems. Even my physical therapist was perplexed when he was doing my reevaluation yesterday. I’m going to ask him if he can talk to the doctor about my case and see if there are solutions they can come up with. I guess maybe it might have been advantageous to have him sit in on my appointment. If I’m still doing physical therapy in two months when I see my surgeon again, I might have him do that if these issues persist.

Despite all the frustrations I’m having, I’ve at least been able to bike. It’s been painful at times and I’m trying not to push myself too hard, but being on my bike is my happy place. I want to be outside as much as I possibly can be. I’m on track to have my highest mileage this week since I’ve been recovering, so hopefully I’ll hit it. Another positive thing is that I’ve worked a week without my walking boot. I’m not sure my foot is all the way ready yet, but I’m going to keep trying as long as I can tolerate it. I’m working three hours longer than usual tomorrow, so I’m expecting a little difficulty, but I’m off Sunday so I can recover and get it feeling better.

One day I might be able to go for a walk and actually enjoy it. There are so many metroparks close by that I can’t really enjoy. It’s hard to want to hike wooded trails when I’m having a hard time with flat surfaces, let alone uneven ones. I still can’t even go up and down the stairs properly, so I’m ready for the day I can do something that simple again. Being able to attempt a 5k or play tennis again feels so far away right right now. My surgeon told me that when I can do a single leg calf raise on my right side, it would be fully healed, and that usually happens 6-9 months after surgery. Here’s hoping that I’ll get there soon, but I have a feeling it’s going to be on the later end of that spectrum.

Lovely New Issues

On By LeraIn Life, SurgeryLeave a comment

Excuse the sarcasm of the title. What I am writing about today is far from lovely. I’ve been in pain pretty much all the time walking, some of it due to my Achilles tendon still recovering, but some new things have come up. I’ve already written about the plantar fibroma I mysteriously acquired, and trust me, I wish that was all.

Problem number two: I’ve had problems with swelling and pain on the outside of my ankle. You know how the ankle bone sticks out on the outside? Well, I have so much swelling there that it blends right in with the rest of my right leg and foot. It’s not normal swelling, though– it’s harder than you would expect, but still squishy. So far I don’t have an answer to what that is. I’m hoping that my surgeon will be able to help me out with it when I go back to see him in two weeks.

Problem number 3: I apparently now have fat pad atrophy in my heel. I’ve been trying to do some research about it, and I guess some unlucky people get it after prolonged non weight bearing (greater than six weeks), and I was on crutches for ten weeks. From what I’ve been able to read about it, it should toughen back up again after walking on it for a few weeks, but mine doesn’t seem to want to. I don’t know if it’s just going to take longer than average, or if it will stay that way. My physical therapist told me “hopefully” it will get better eventually, so I’m trying to be patient. All I know is that when I stand, my right heel squishes out to the side and the back and my left heel doesn’t. I have gel heel cups in my shoes to try to alleviate some of the pain. I can definitely feel my heel bone when I walk barefoot, and it’s really uncomfortable. I think that’s probably the biggest source of my pain as of late. At my last physical therapy session, my therapist tried to tape my heel so that all the fat is pushed back to directly underneath it. It seemed to help some, and I think it’s worth trying one more time to see for sure if it’s a viable option in the short term. Here’s what it looked like. you can even see the fibroma in the middle of my foot in the picture.

I’m trying not to get discouraged, but it is rather frustrating. I was hoping to have most of the pain behind me. I knew it was going to be a slow process, but if I could just walk without pain for more than a quarter of a mile, I’d be thrilled. I’d be even more thrilled if I could work a whole shift without feeling the need to sit and rest it every hour. I almost never get breaks at work, so having to just power through all that pain probably isn’t helping matters. I don’t know what I’m going to do when my boss goes on vacation in a couple of weeks because we’re still short a member of management, which means if he doesn’t get coverage from outside of my workplace for a couple days a week, I’m in big trouble. I absolutely cannot be working fourteen days straight with no days off when I’m barely managing my four days a week as it is. I worked five days last week and it almost killed me. I could probably manage full time hours while he’s gone and see how it goes again, but to be expected to work a 55 hour week when 30 is difficult is unreasonable. I’m going to have to get a note from my surgeon to help back me up if he’s going to give me a hard time about it. I would love the overtime money to help with the costs of physical therapy, but I can’t set my recovery back. I’m really pretty frustrated my boss hasn’t hired someone in the six weeks since the last full time assistant manager transferred. I’m doing my best, but I’m genuinely struggling. I want to be able to do more, but I still have so many physical limitations.

First Week of Freedom

On By LeraIn Cycling, Life, SurgeryLeave a comment

It’s been a week since I’ve gained some small freedoms, and it’s been going pretty well overall–not perfect by any means, but not too bad. I still have quite a bit of difficulty with going up and down the stairs and a little bit of difficulty with walking. I just don’t have the strength or balance yet to move normally, and I still get pain with those activities.

As far ask biking goes, I can do that mostly pain free. I’ve kept the resistance easier than I usually would, but yesterday I allowed myself to do a sprint at the end of my ride just to see how it would go. I got to 17 mph, which isn’t the best I’ve done, but it felt great flying down the road at that speed with the wind rushing past me. People who were outside last night turned to look at me. No, I’m not narcissistic; I know they just looked because that’s what people do when they see someone outside.

In terms of work, that’s still very challenging. I’m working an extra day next week–four days instead of three. I’m nervous about it, not because of the number, but because one of them is nine hours. I’ve been working 6.5 hours since I got back, so it’s not a huge increase, but I struggle with the shorter shifts. I know I’m going to have a hard time with the longer one. It’s still too hard physically. I’ll see how it goes, but I’m going to have to tell my boss he needs to let me work shorter days for a while yet. He didn’t ask me if I was ready. I probably would have told him no, but I’m not going to complain to him after he’s inconvenienced himself to accommodate me. As long as he doesn’t suddenly decide to schedule me 40 hours without checking first, I’ll try to deal with it. I can’t work without the boot yet. When it’s comfortable to do so, then I’ll go back up to full time. I’ve also been considering the possibility that I’ll need a less physically demanding job in the future. I can’t risk re-injuring myself. However, until physical therapy is done, I can’t go anywhere. I need the insurance coverage to pay for the visits and the followups with the surgeon.

Speaking of physical therapy, I started working on some new exercises this week now that I don’t have to keep it still all the time. My usual therapist has been out of the office this week, so Monday I worked with the assistant I’ve seen a few times before. She’s nice and I feel like she does a good job. She had me working on pushing off with my toes so walking will become easier. Today, though, I worked with a therapist that floats to different clinics when they need her. She was a nice person, but not the therapist for me. She was too gentle with the manual therapy. I didn’t feel like I got any real benefit out of it. When my usual therapist or the assistant does it, I can move more easily afterward, but today it felt like it wasn’t even done even though she worked on it for ten minutes. The float therapist had me working on some of the new stuff I started this week, but made me feel bad for holding on to the bar to keep my balance while I was trying to stand on one leg. I did the best I could without holding on, but it was too difficult. Then, when I was leaving, she told me I should really be working more on my limp because it’s a bad habit to have. I felt so confused, because isn’t it her job to help me learn how to move my muscles and joints the right way again? The more pain and stiffness I have, the more I limp. I left in more pain today than when I started. I was just thrilled to be moving as well as I was. I’m certainly limping less than I was last week right after the boot came off. My session ended ten minutes early today; if she was that concerned about my limp, she should have helped me with it a little. There was only one other patient in there at the time. I just didn’t appreciate the way it was brought up as I was leaving. I’m glad next week I can work with my usual therapist. Today felt like a waste of time to me, and usually I feel like I’ve at least made a little progress.


Back in the Saddle

On By LeraIn Cycling, Life, SurgeryLeave a comment

It’s been just a few days shy of four months since surgery. It seems so unreal! I had another post-op followup today and I’m now allowed to transition into regular shoes! I have to wear a special padded lift inside the right shoe for quite a while, but it’s so nice to not have to wear the walking boot all the time. With the amount of difficulty I’ve been having with work, the surgeon told me it would be wise to use the boot at work for extra support if needed until I recover more strength and range of motion. I’ll be bringing it along to each shift just in case I need it; I can already tell it’ll probably still be a few weeks until I can really get rid of it for good. I just keep telling myself it’s a marathon, not a sprint, and I have to pace myself.

It’s amazing the difference a day can bring. I was feeling really low a few days ago, exhausted with being dependent on people for rides and not being able to do the things I wanted to do. I feel so useless at work because I’m only there 19-ish hours a week right now. I’ve been trying to push myself as much as I safely can because I don’t want to risk losing my job, but the amount that I can do is still not up to what I consider full standard. I’ve been praying for the strength to make it through the challenging days.

Then today happened: I GET TO RIDE MY BIKE AGAIN! I stupidly forgot to ask at my appointment this morning, so I had to call and get permission. I waited four long hours for the phone to ring with an answer to the message I left, and it finally did at 1:50 p.m. By 2, I was changed into my gear and pumping up the bike tires. The ride went pretty well, but my speed was awful because I have to ride in a low resistance gear. I still managed to ride 7.27 glorious miles in 41 minutes. It was cold and damp out, but there were a few moments of sun along the way. It felt amazing, like I was finally living again! I didn’t have any pain while I was riding, and I probably could have gone farther if I wasn’t sick with a slight cold. I’m trying not to do too much too soon, and I’ll ask at physical therapy how to judge what’s too much so I don’t hinder my progress.

Now if only the pain I feel with extended weight bearing at work would lessen, I’d feel a whole lot more confident about everything. I’m still ecstatic to be gaining some new freedoms, though. Things will fall into place eventually, and I’ll be ready when they do!

Weary Workdays

On By LeraIn Life, SurgeryLeave a comment

It’s been a week since I started back at work. I wish I could say it was easier than the first day, but that would be a lie. Every day I work has been filled with pain. I did get to take the last wedge out of my boot, which helped marginally, but nowhere near enough to increase my comfort levels. Each step is like a slow torture, and by the end of the night I can’t walk anymore.

I scheduled some extra physical therapy to try to calm things down a little. Even the therapist seemed baffled that I was having pain in some of the areas I was. It’s just my luck that I would have to be a special case. We talked about work and its impact on my foot, and I was told that it wouldn’t be wise to work more than just part time hours right now. I was working full time before my surgery, and I was hoping to be back to that by the end of the month, but I don’t see that happening. I got called in for a shift tomorrow, which is supposed to be short since I have an appointment later in the morning. I was really hoping for another day to recover from the weekend and get it back to feeling better, but I should have known that wasn’t going to happen.

To end this very short post on a positive note, today one of the other physical therapy patients brought his dog in from his truck after his appointment was over. It was a five month old King Shepard, and super cute and friendly. It was interesting seeing everyone go into their “animal talk” voice, even the staff. I guess that’s what everyone does when they like animals. I’ll reiterate how much I love my physical therapy clinic. The other patients and the staff are so friendly, and everyone has the weirdest conversations. Today a different patient than the one with the dog was talking about how much one of the staff was “beating him up” with the exercises, and suddenly he said he needed a safe word, like couples use in the bedroom for… ahem… “stuff”. That took my mind off of how much the manual therapy was hurting because I was laughing so hard. I really don’t see why people seem to hate physical therapy. I always feel so much better after a session, even if it hurts during.